- 1 week

This weekend was really great. I had with dinner with some awesome friends Saturday, and Jimmy and I had one of our last date nights before baby on Sunday.

Monday was rough though. I had appointments at 11, 1:30, and 3. My OB appointment went well with Dr. S2 (still love her, she's wonderful at making me feel at ease about the decisions and does a great job answering my questions) and we finalized our plans for next week. I had a CBC done and they were so concerned about me getting there early so it could be sent out on the first run to the lab, so if I needed to be kept (if my count was lower than 50), I wouldn't be driving all that way home and then back for nothing. Remember this, because I DID MY PART. I went to the Hematology clinic at 1:30, but Dr. M was running a little late. My phone was dying at this point, and I still had to see the anesthesiologists for a consult. But! I needed my phone in case they call with my counts, because if they are low, they may need to keep me. So I went back to the parking deck, got my charger, and then used the fancy new corridor that connects Duke clinics to Duke hospital. This is a great addition and saves me a lot of time, but was not easy for the pregnant lady. I went up to L&D, to meet with the anesthesiologists. That takes about 20-30 minutes. I still hadn't heard anything about my counts. I'm thinking, "It's only 3:15, maybe they need more time, so I should stay just in case." I went to Starbucks, got a snack, and enjoyed it while charging my phone a bit. No phone call. At that point it's close to 4, and I just thought, "Forget it. They're not going to call at this point." So I left. And guess what! I never heard from anyone Monday night! When I got home, I was exhausted and the rest I got was honestly the best I'd had in 2 weeks. I think it was the relief of not having to stay, because I really was dreading a low count and having to be put in the hospital. 34 weeks is my goal, not 32+4.

Despite the rest, yesterday was a difficult day. I felt it coming on Monday, because I began being really irritable, but yesterday I was in a totally awful mood. I know the dex does this. I know pregnancy does this. The two together, well, ugh. Poor Jimmy was probably ready to smack me. Not only was I irritable and grumpy, but I just felt down and didn't really want to talk to anyone. I'm not looking for sympathy, just telling my story. It happens under these circumstances. But Dr. M did call me with my counts! They were 42. He was good with that, because the Nplate often takes 5-7 days to kick in, and he talked with OB, who was also good with the number. So we'll see where we are on Friday, and probably get an Nplate shot then. My second goal is to walk in to the hospital on Wednesday with triple digits.

Today, Jimmy told me to wake him up early so we could redo the bedroom. We're keeping Baby J in the pack and play in our room for the first few weeks, whenever we are able to come home, to make access easier. We cleaned and rearranged furniture. The room feels ready. The nursery still needs some final touches, but it's more organization and decoration. I didn't get all the things done I wanted, as far as the closets and moving things around, but it'll be dealt with. I'm not stressing over it. It'll happen.

This time next week, we will be sitting in L&D, getting ready to have our baby.

Despite having a blog, I am a pretty private person, at least until I'm ready to share things. Thankfully, we will not have many people at the hospital. I'm really excited that Mom, Dad, and Jackie will be there, as well as our siblings if they are able, and Baby J's godparents, if they are able. But this could take a long time and I don't want to feel like people are sitting there waiting on me. Things like that can totally stall labor as well. Dr. S2 said there is no real difference in labor time between now and an induction at term, but me being a first time mom it could take a few days. I'm also going to be able to have the birth experience I wanted, at least as far as induction methods go. Dr. S2 also said there wasn't a more significant chance of me having a c/s this early unless Baby J or I go into distress. Maybe genetics will play a part and they'll break my water, and I'll pop that sucker out in 4 hours. Who knows?!

We also will let people know when we're ready for other visitors. We just don't know how the baby's health will play out and honestly, will not be up to visiting with people until we are ready. Our focus is going to be on getting that sweet baby home! My goal for bringing Baby J home is Christmas. Dr. S2 estimated a NICU stay of 2 weeks, but reminded me every baby is different.

I have 3 goals:

• To deliver at 34 weeks and not before
• To go to the hospital with a count in 3 digits
• To bring Baby J home by Christmas

I guess writing all those goals for IEPs never really leaves your system. With the medical support Jimmy and I have, the best in the country as far as we're concerned, as well as all the prayers and thoughts of our families, friends, and even those we haven't met, I know that these things are achievable.

-2 Weeks

At least, that's what they tell me. When I called Monday to go over my glucose numbers, the nurse said, "Oh! And I have your induction date ready for you!" It took my breath away for a minute. We will go in on December 14th for them to check my counts and then they will begin the process if I don't need any kind of treatments.

Like I've been telling people, with me, it's always "plan" in quotation marks. I don't know where my counts will be on the 14th. And if my counts drop again, they may just want me to come in. The longer my counts can stay up, the longer my baby can cook. And I'm really, really shooting for the 34 week goal. I told Mom that if we ever thought we lived by numbers before (early on in my diagnosis), it was at a completely different level now. My counts on Monday were 101. Then it was like, "Okay, we're good until Thursday. What are they going to be on Thursday?" Thursday they were 56. 56 is okay. I called OB and they said they were good with that, but wanted me to come in a little early for counts on Monday at my appointment, in case they were low and I needed to be admitted. I can do that. Dr. M said he wanted me to try to get a shot of Nplate today. IVIG, despite the high price tag, only lasted for about a week and my counts weren't as high as they had been when we'd done dex and Nplate in the past. That's simply not cost effective in terms of time put in or insurance money. Luckily, the clinic had Nplate and I was able to get a shot today! I'm hoping it'll work really hard over the weekend and I'll have a decent count on Monday. I'll also use my nerdy data tracking chart to see if I can form a more concrete hypothesis.

As far as the gestational diabetes goes, I've been managing pretty well. I monitored for a week and after 3 days realized I did need to make some changes. However, my after dinner numbers continue to be high, but I take that reading about 8 hours after I take my dex. Dex takes a few hours to kick in. Obviously it's causing these higher numbers. Also, we eat leftovers, so when I eat for lunch the same thing I had for dinner the night before and have a discrepancy in the two after meal numbers, and the only difference is that I took medication, I think the correlation is obvious.

I've finally found the peace I needed for the decision to take the baby at 34 weeks. I was in major panic mode and very scared for about a week. On Sunday, I finally received the peace that I have needed so badly. Now I am able to be excited about our child joining us instead of completely freaked out. I know there may be challenges, but I am looking for the good things. Due to the steroids, hopefully breathing will not be an issue for the baby. Also, even though I have had complications due to ITP, I have not had any pregnancy scares--no bleeding, cramping, trips to L&D in the middle of the night (only when they want to observe me), strong and early movement...these things encourage me. I know that our child is a fighter. My prayer and the ONLY thing I really want for Christmas is to be able to bring the baby home. Snuggling on the couch with my husband and child would be the best holiday I could imagine. We may not have a tree, decorations, or gifts, but it really doesn't matter. We will have our family and our faith.

Nesting is not just called that because women are trying to get a "nest" ready. To include more bird metaphors, I feel like I'm taking a birdwalk every time I start nesting. I start doing one thing, then I see something else that can be done, and "Oh! I need to do that!" and it goes on for a couple of hours. It's kind of crazy. I have gotten some incredible deals in finishing up the last minute shopping. I found organic cotton changing pad covers at Marshall's for $6 apiece, half off retail. I bought several newborn sleepers, because the vast majority of the clothes we have were 0-3 months, and those will just be too big at first. I got in on a Babies R Us sale and got my diaper bag, flannel lap pads, and an extra mattress cover at great prices. I found the canvas covered baskets for $2 apiece at a local secondhand store, and they had enough for my changing table. I haven't gone too crazy looking for preemie stuff, because a)I'm trying to fatten this baby up and b)when I start to feel the urge, something inside of me says, "Wait," and that's good enough for me.

I'm going to miss being pregnant. Things are starting to get uncomfortable, but there really is nothing like feeling the baby move around inside of me. Jimmy hasn't been able to feel baby move a lot, due to the placenta position, but it's been amazing the times he has.

Baby showers!

On my Welch side of the family, it is well known that Grammy rests before or after doing a big event. It's important for her so she can have the energy to do the things she wants to do. I didn't realize it was a strategy I would be using so soon! After this weekend I've realized I'm going to be using it a lot in the next 3 months.

Late Wednesday night, I ran around like a mad woman getting clothes and things packed for the weekend. Jimmy kept asking what he could do to help and I was glad to be able to give him a few things. It was wonderful to sleep in my own bed that night! Jimmy even woke me up to a backrub when he came to bed.

Thursday morning I left around 10 with Katie in tow. She is a good road trip dog and needed some bonding time after being separated for 5 days. I wanted to get to my mom's with enough time to get refreshed before the racing baby shower! The trip was pretty uneventful, thankfully.

Ginger, my dad's girlfriend, had very generously offered to throw a "Grandpa and Mommy" shower with a racing theme, along with Sheila, one of Dad's coworkers. Everything was so cute! The cake was like a sidewall of a racetrack, with little ducks racing. The diaper cake had black and white ribbon with the ducks in it. There were racing table decorations. It was so nice to meet some of Dad's coworkers who I've heard so much about. The shower was a lot of fun and Jimmy and I are so appreciative of the kind gifts! I'm excited to dress the baby up in a NASCAR Hall of Fame onesie from Grammy and checkered flag socks from Ginger and Sheila on the day of the Daytona 500! Looking at some of the photos on Facebook, I can definitely tell that I had been on steroids--I look sunburnt! Sometimes the 'roids cause a major flush.

Friday I had to get bloodwork done at the lab I used to go to in high school in college. It was kind of funny to be back there. Dr. M had said not to worry about Nplate on Thursday and just get counts on Friday. We knew I wouldn't really need the Nplate and who knows if it's even working anymore. My counts were 341! Take that OB doctors!

After I got back, Mom needed to run several errands. We managed to go to Chuck Wagon for lunch--hooray! Then we had to go to Gastonia to Target, the rental car place, and to Ingles. I also made dinner for Mom when we got back to her house. It wasn't much, literally just putting a turkey loin and Stouffer's spinach souffle in an oven and letting it sit for 45 minutes, but man was I tired! I'm sure it's a cross between the steroids and the start of the third trimester coming up. We went to Nanny's so I could borrow her hand mixer to make the two dips for the shower. She is so happy in her new space, but it is so weird to stay at what has always been her house and she doesn't live there anymore.

The Saturday shower went very well! I really miss everyone from "home" and events like this always make me wish we lived closer. There is my wonderful extended family--aunts, uncles, cousins--and then friends like the Jankowski women. It seems like when Jimmy and I come for a visit, there is never enough time to see everyone. The cake was red velvet with cream cheese icing and I made two dips from Pinterest that I was very excited about. We had Dr. Seuss decorations, based on "One Fish, Two Fish" that were so cute. Jimmy and I received such precious and useful things. We are so grateful for everyone's kindness!

Nanny, Mom, and I went to the mall for a little bit--only 2 stores, and if you know Nanny that is holding back! She had called me earlier wanting to go, and I agreed, knowing Mom and I would be tired, but would enjoy spending time with her. Mom said she could tell that I hit a wall with my tiredness or hungriness, she wasn't sure which. I didn't feel that hungry, but we stopped at a quick Japanese place and I basically devoured my meal--a small one, not one of the huge ones. Mom laughed at me! She said I normally ate much more delicately. I guess this is true. I didn't realize I had eaten so much until my plate was almost empty.

Sunday morning I woke up to a very sweet email from my husband. He told me he was ready for me to be home. We're not away from each other often and after being together most of the week, it was odd to be apart. I got to see my cousin Cindy Sunday morning and it was wonderful to catch up with her in person. I'm really thankful to Facebook because I feel like I've gotten to know her so much better. Love her! Mom fussed at me to not carry things out to the car and pack them. I did manage to get everything packed, with enough room for Katie. Mom was surprised, but Steve Welch is an excellent car packer and taught me well. A few hours later, Katie and I were pulling into the driveway at home. Jimmy and I basically spent the evening sitting next to each other on the loveseat and enjoyed being together. He enjoyed looking at all the sweet baby things. We are looking forward to working in the nursery this weekend!

I forgot to write about what the Wednesday nurse said about my weekend. I made the comment that I had to get out of the hospital because I had friends and family planning to host showers on Thursday evening and Saturday afternoon. That awful woman had the nerve to tell me I should cancel them! I had to pick my chin up off the floor at her rudeness, then told her that we did not put life on hold for my ITP, that as soon as my counts were where they should be I would be good to go. Even though it was busy and I was exhausted by Sunday evening, it was a wonderful weekend. Thanks to Grammy's example, I know how to better conserve myself in the future!

-16 Weeks...Well, Crap.

Wednesday I knew my counts were going to be low. My nose was trying to bleed all day. It would get stopped but as soon as I got up and started moving around, it would start again. When I woke up Thursday to go get counts, I had sores on my lip. I am usually a lip biter, but I made a serious attempt Wednesday to not bite it, because I knew I didn't have many platelets.

It was no surprise when they came back 3k yesterday. I called Dr. M and he said to do 3 days of dex, since I was being symptomatic. So I started on it yesterday at lunch. Since my nose was still really acting up, Jimmy and I decided it was better for him to stay home from work. He put me on "bedrest" and would fuss at me if I got up to do more than go to the bathroom. I needed to go grocery shopping and he went and did that for me. He also fixed dinner. By the end of the night, my nose had completely stopped bleeding. I am so thankful he was able to step up and be there for me and give me a chance to heal.

-18 Weeks...Second most stressful week so far?

The week in the hospital definitely takes the cake for the most stressful week so far. However, I think this week comes in as a close second. If you've asked me how I'm doing, I've probably given the Reader's Digest version of "Fine" or "Good" because I knew once I got started I wouldn't be able to stop.

Monday I called the Jacksonville clinic to try and get my shot early. No response from the doctor there. However, after events on Tuesday, I think this was the secretary's fault. I'm not sure if she transferred me to the wrong extension or what. I go in Tuesday, not my regular day, just to see if they have the medication. She is on the phone on what seems to be a personal call and has me sit down. Even after she gets off the phone, she doesn't acknowledge my presence, but the lab tech saw me when she picked up another patient. She came out and I told her what was going on, we talked to the RN who said she did have the meds, and I got a CBC. My platelets were at 2k on the first run through. There was some value that didn't come up, so she had to run it again. This time, they were 0.

The doctor came out and we discussed options. I told him I felt this rollercoaster was due to the fact that 4 mcg was just too much for me. I skyrocket, then drop wayyy down and have to do dex. He agreed that the dex was just becoming too much. We decided to do 3.5 mcg on Tuesday and I would start coming in Monday and Thursday for lab draws. This way, if I did go too high, I could be monitored more closely than 7 days after that count. I felt like this was reasonable.

I get my dex refilled, make supper, and am hanging out with the dogs. Jimmy had been texting me, asking if I needed him at home. There wasn't really anything he could do for me--I wasn't actively bleeding or anything, and I was taking it easy. About 9, I get a phone call that he needs to go to the hospital and get stitches. Jimmy NEVER goes to the hospital and has NEVER had stitches. I'm thinking the worst. I tell him I'm absolutely not taking him to Onslow and we decide to meet at Carteret General (or whatever it's called). I get there a little before 10 and the nurse triages him. His cut did not LOOK that bad, it was pretty short, but he assured me it was deep. After hours of bad tv, stiff sitting positions, and vending machine snacks, they finally call him back about 1:30 to get looked at. He gets 3 stitches, his finger splinted up and a tetanus shot. We got home around 4 AM. The next day, occupational health at his work tells him he has to go on light duty, which means he has to work day shift until his stitches are removed. Total sleep transition! But he did come home early Wednesday (about 5:30) so he could start at 7 on Thursday.

Jimmy wasn't going to go with me to my appointments today, because his advanced sick leave hasn't been completely approved yet. However, with me coming off Dex, the first day is rough. I didn't feel comfortable making that round trip by myself. Pregnancy brain has kicked in and I really thought my dad was going to be in Raleigh for a conference, then coming to Sunset over the weekend. I was going to ask if he had a double bed room and if I could come up and spend the night with him Thursday. Um...he's in Monroe this week, Raleigh next week, and Sunset next weekend. Oh. So Jimmy decided to go ahead and come with me, then go to Deven's to help him with the floor this weekend. I asked if he was going to really be able to help and he says he thinks it'll be fine. I hope so for Margo's sake! I can empathize with unfinished projects! We spent the night with Jackie, my MIL last night. THEY slept. After 3 days of Dex, I think I may have slept for about 4 hours total. I probably didn't get to sleep until close to 1, and even then I was getting up to pee or move around. I got up around 7:20 and even though I was fine laying down, when I sat up I suddenly had heartburn! Who doesn't have heartburn until they sit up?! It was kind of funny. I've not had a LOT this pregnancy, just occasionally. Thankfully I have an emergency stash of Tums in my purse. Jimmy laughed the first time he saw it, but I'm not the only one who's raided the stash!

So I'm hoping all goes well with my appointments today. I have a blood draw at 11, ultrasound at 11:30, and then the OB appointment at 1. Praying that everything is safe with the baby. I've felt some stronger kicks this week, but s/he kind of slacked off on Wednesday, which of course worried me a bit. At this stage, seeing that ultrasound image is the most reassuring sight I can possibly imagine...especially after this week.

-19 Weeks--the countDOWN is on!

It's a little scary to think that this pregnancy is halfway over! But then again, while some people will say theirs flew by, I don't think mine has so far. It seems like it was a long time ago that we got the two lines on our test. I'm not complaining, and I'm not wishing away this time at all. It just seems different from what a lot of others have experienced.

Nplate update--after last weekend on 3 days of steroids, my counts were 187 on Monday, then 521 on Wednesday. Obviously 4 mcg of Nplate is way too much, but no one listens to me. I think we're going to try to do the shot on Monday before I get so low.

I have, in the past week or two, realized that our life is about to completely change. I doubt Jimmy and I will stop doing certain things, but it will definitely be different with a tiny person in the house. The spontaneous day trips will be different, because we'll have to pack a bag with diapers, bottles, wipes, food, and clothes before we go anywhere. I'm hoping to keep a small bag packed with these items just for spontaneity's sake. It does make me a little sad that one chapter of our life is closing. However, I know the adventure that awaits us is completely worth it!

I'm starting to nest. Jimmy thinks nesting is cleaning, but in my mind, it's getting ready for this baby in any way, shape, or form. I've cleaned out our bedroom and still have a few things to do in there. We have both started in the music room. Mom and I finally set a date for my shower at home, and I'm really excited about the chance to throw a party and try out some recipes for entertaining! We were lucky enough to find the travel system I wanted for $230 cheaper than online, and it's in great shape. The car seat doesn't expire until 2013, so it'll last until Baby J outgrows it.

Also, something I haven't talked about in my blog, is the great support group of other January 2012 Mommies I have met. Through BabyCenter.com, I joined a January 2012 First Time Moms group. Within that group, several of us started posting to "Kill The Thread," posting 1000 posts on a discussion thread until it closes automatically. While I've been skeptical in the past of online friendships, I truly understand them now. These ladies are going through a lot of the same things I am at the same time. It's awesome to have that companionship and support!

-20 Weeks!

Yes, yes, I know I'm behind. Life has been quite hectic.


And yes, if I think it's hectic now, just wait until 20 weeks from now!


So Wednesday when I went to get my shot, I was 25,000. Not surprising to me, because I missed my shot last week. This always happens when I miss a shot. So I get my 4 mcg and the docs want me to come back in for a count on Friday. I go in on Friday, and we are in the dreaded single digits (3,000). I call Dr. M and we decide to do 3 days of Dex. The *badword* doctor I used to see at the Jacksonville clinic was called (the other guy was out taking his state boards or something) and said, "Take your Dex, then we'll go up to 5 next week." Um, I don't think so, because I'm 99% sure my counts will be too high to get the shot on Wednesday. And did you see what happened when I got 4 last time? It made me go too high (without steroids). But it all depends on counts anyway. So we'll see what happens.

How Far Along: 20 weeks, 3 days

Size of Baby: Measurements changed this week, and now instead of crown to rump, it is crown to feet! So 10 inches this week, the size of a banana.

Maternity Clothes: Some pre-pregnancy shirts still fit okay if they were longer to begin with. Pants are exclusively maternity or elastic waisted

Sleep: Getting up at least twice to pee. I know most women pee more in the first trimester, but I'm obviously not most women.

Best Moment of the Week: Baby moves when I'm anxious or upset, which actually helps calm me down.

Movement: Slowly becoming more regular and predictable--usually early afternoon and then later in the evenings.

Symptoms: weird acid reflux--like I don't feel any acid or heartburn, then have a hiccup/burp and suddenly it's there, but just for a moment. My stomach is never the same shape from day to day. My hips have started hurting again at night.

Food Cravings/Aversions: The thought of salad bars gross me out. How can they make sure everything is at a safe temperature? Yuck.

Gender: Earlier I was using feminine pronouns, then a couple of weeks ago had two boy dreams back to back. So now I'm just using it or they. My brother, the creative writing graduate, has assured me "They" is the proper pronoun.

How is Mommy Feeling: Oh crap, will we get everything done in time?

Total Weight Gain: After doing so well for quite a while, I think about 7. Which isn't awful, but I'm still keeping an eye on it. I'll eat when I'm hungry, but I'm trying to be health-conscious.

What I am looking forward to: This probably sounds really weird, but I have such good food ideas for baby showers. And I want Jimmy to feel the baby move!

-21 Weeks...Almost Halfway!

19 Weeks on Thursday! Next week, we'll be even, then it's a countdown.

Jimmy and I are having a kid. Wow.

Someone please tell me that after this realization, I will suddenly begin nesting. It can hit any time! I'm ready! I've been so sleepy lately. Not just tired, but sleepy. Today we were going to start cleaning out Jimmy's music room, but he is having a gout attack. He's in a lot of pain and there's not a lot that can be done. I gave him some Aleve and he went back to sleep. We may try some compresses later and he has cherries to eat. Believe it or not, eating cherries really makes a difference for him. If he feels an attack coming on, he can eat a lot of cherries and it goes away. This is maybe the second full-blown attack he's had since first diagnosed. I hate it for him.

This week when I got my counts done on Wednesday in anticipation of my shot, they were too high for the shot--621,000. This is neither bad nor good. I checked again Friday, to make sure I hadn't dropped suddenly, which is a risk on the Nplate, and they were 604. Hopefully, they'll stay in a safe range between now and Wednesday, my next shot!

Last week we did have appointments with OB and ultrasound. I wasn't too impressed with this OB, because I don't think she read my file before she came in. She asked why I wasn't on a continual low dosage of steroids and I had to explain the Nplate thing to her. She also dismissed my concerns about the risk of gestational diabetes being higher on corticosteroids. Hello! I already have some risk factors for GD and I don't want to increase that risk!

The ultrasound did go much better than the OB visit. Everything looks healthy and normal, and Baby J measures large for gestational age. I'm not surprised, because s/he has always measured a few days early, even at 8 weeks. They didn't change my due date then, but whatever. Babies come when they are ready. I have to say though, I'm not impressed with the pictures we got, but it's always amazing to see that little person. Baby J did not cooperate with all of the heart measurements, so when I go back I have another ultrasound. There's no reason to think anything is wrong, S/he was just VERY comfortable where they were and didn't want to move. I lay on one side, used the bathroom, touched my toes, danced around, and the little booger still wouldn't flip around. I'm hoping we get the tech who did my 12 week ultrasound, because she took really good pictures and was so sweet.

I would put money on this kid coming January 24th, though. Nanny's first reaction when she heard my due date was, "Well it'll come on my birthday." Stephen also said, "This kid will be born exactly 9 months from me." Or the 25th would be good, too, it would be exactly 10 months from Andy's birthday! But when Nanny lays it on you, she's usually right.

-22 Weeks

It amazes me to think when I started this I was in the -30some weeks...and in 2 weeks, I'll be halfway finished with pregnancy.

This was a good week. I had counts on Monday, after stopping Dex on Saturday and they were 266. I was relieved they weren't sky-high, because it meant we would have a more accurate window on Wednesday of what my Nplate dosage shold be. Wednesday when I went in for the shot, my counts were 206. Usually after a Dex pulse I totally bottom out and get symptomatic. To me, this means that 4 mcg/kg of Nplate is working, for right now. Does that mean it's going to be the magic dosage for the rest of the pregnancy? Absolutely not. Could there be more bumps in the road? Possibly. I've dealt with this for too long to take anything for granted and just because they get me "fixed" for the time being doesn't mean it's lasting or permanent. 4 days of Dex when you're pregnant is not fun! My sweet husband was amazing, and I really appreciate him taking such good care of me.

Tomorrow we go in for hematology, OB and anatomy scan appointments! I am so excited to see the baby again! The anatomy scan will look for any physical abnormalities and make sure growth is on track. Yes, we could find out the gender, but we're not. At least, not on purpose. Now, before anyone wants to criticize, #1) go have your own baby, and #2) with everything else that is not traditional with this pregnancy, I'd like to have something that is.

Because of our appointments and a pig pickin' in Red Oak, we had planned to be out of town this weekend anyway. Hurricane Irene is freaking me out a little bit, but I think it's partly due to some nesting. I tried to windproof the backyard as much as possible this afternoon and we're taking all of the stuff off our porches. The chickens have access to 2 different shelters. I'm nervous to leave, but I know there's nothing I could do here to prevent any damage. We might as well be safe and enjoy ourselves!

1 in 6 billion!

Yesterday my appointment was pretty basic. Dr. M reiterated that this is an unknown and we have to remember the worst case scenarios along with the best. The bottom line is that we don't know. No one has ever been on Nplate and pregnant before...or at least reported it to the Nplate pregnancy registry. And that puts me into the 1 in 6 billion range. Maybe we should buy lottery tickets when/if I get pregnant.

I realize that there are a lot of things that can go wrong in any pregnancy. I know many women who have had miscarriages. I know of a woman who had an unexplainable third trimester loss. There are any number of birth defects, syndromes, and disabilities that can occur. Even though I don't work with profoundly disabled children, I feel like I am exposed to these things more than the average person. Jimmy and I talked on the way home last night about the possibilities of an "imperfect" child and we believe we would be happy with whatever God gives us, and that God doesn't give you things you can't handle.

Another issue that we haven't really discussed is fertility. I know too many women who have had fertility problems to automatically assume that everyone gets pregnant when they want a baby. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it. Thanks to this summer, Jimmy and I do have an idea of how far we're willing to go down that road.

I also need to make a slight correction. Jimmy didn't just say, "I want to have a baby to dig post holes for us," and I immediately acquiesce. I had mentioned to him a while back that I was curious, if the Nplate continued to work well, if we could revisit the baby situation. And when he made that comment, we opened the discussion again.

I am really excited for this weekend--Prince in Greensboro! That will help break up the TWW! We'll have a lot of fun with Deven, Margo, and all our dogs!

Another Monday, another trip to Durham

Today was my 4th treatment.  Not that the 4th treatment is significant, but this was the first trip by myself and didn't have anything to crochet while I was waiting.  I happened to be between projects.  It may not seem like this is such a big deal, and I do love to read, but you have to understand the dynamics of a day at Duke and the Duke Treatment Room Waiting Room.

I arrive and check in for labs about 10.  After I sit down, I usually have less than 10 minutes to wait for my labs to be drawn.  I could pick up a book then, but would just have to put it down again, and I am always on alert for my name to be called.  After labs are drawn, I go down the hall and check into the treatment room waiting room.  The wait time here can be 1-2 hours or more.  I have to wait on my labs to get back and from those results my doctor determines whether the Nplate dosage needs to be increased.  There are people constantly in and out and any one of those people could be Dr. M with my counts.  Pagers go off, people are talking on cell phones, and Rachael Ray is cooking something or the women of The View are talking.  It's a very distracting environment and not conducive to reading!  When I've taken my crochet, it gives me something to do instead of just sit.  You can only play Angry Birds for so long and no one wants to sit and stare into space.  Then you're that weird person staring at everyone.  Needless to say, I have fresh yarn and a fresh pattern to begin!  And I got yarn for a project that has to be finished by March 11.  Very excited about that--these colors sat in the bin and YELLED at me to get them.

And so many people have been so kind and offered to go with me and I truly appreciate it, but I'm not ready for that yet.  That may sound odd to everyone but my parents.  I really do try to....not downplay the ITP, but not make it the driving force in my life.  I'm having to take a lot of time out of work, and part of me feels like if more people take time off work, it makes this a much bigger deal than it is--and this is maintenance therapy.  An emergency is different--I need/want support when I'm having urgent issues, because my urgent issues are a big deal.

Despite having a blog, my ITP is something I tend to keep close.  I think what I like most about the blog is I can just write.  I don't feel like anyone's going to feel sorry for me or pity me.  I don't like telling the same story forty-eleven times, so it's much easier on me than the phone.  If charted, my ITP history would look like a roller coaster with its good things and bad things.  Early on, I discovered how frustrating it is to have good news one day, bad news the next, and it's exhausting to relay all that to people.  My counts today were 244,000--in the normal range--YAY!--with the Nplate being the only medication.  This is really encouraging.  My dosage is going to stay the same for now, unless we see something different.

Duke Trip and outcomes from 10/27

I've held off on writing this post because I haven't felt great and I needed to get some things figured out at work.  Now that things are ready to move forward, I'm ready to talk.  Thanks to the steroids, my count today was 218,000, which is amazing for me.  It also means my body has been working in major overdrive.

Jimmy and I made it into the clinic Wednesday morning.  At the appointment, Dr. M looked me over and we decided that other than the nosebleed, there was nothing that would have brought me into clinic or needed treatment.  We had a good deal of discussion about what would come next.  Chronic diseases flare up occasionally.  I haven't had major flare-ups since high school and college (when I was a standard, once-a-month fixture in the Duke Children's Hospital).  Dr. M thinks this is a flare-up and I agree with him.    Since the school year started, I've just been off.  I've had the female symptoms and just haven't felt as good as I usually do.  The conversation I've always had with Dr. M is that when my symptoms start affecting my quality of life, that's when we need to start some sort of maintenance treatment.  I told him Wednesday that I put it in his hands.  I said, "I can't have nosebleeds like this and live my life, work, and do the things that I love.  I'm ready to start this medication whenever you say it's time."  Dr. M said, "Okay, it's time."

Nplate is the new drug I will be taking.  It is a subcutaneous shot that is platelet growth factor--if you remember the red blood cell stuff Lance Armstrong got in trouble for using, this is the same thing, except for platelets.  The medicine has only been on the market for 2 years and is a controlled substance.  This means that before I take it, I have to have blood work done to help determine the dosage and make sure my count is where it needs to be.  Nplate is not used to make a platelet count within the normal range (150,000-350,000ish), but within a safe range, approximately 50,000.  I am also now in the Nexus Nplate registry.  Part of being on this drug means the drug has to be administered in the office of the prescribing physician, which also means I will be going to Duke once a week.

This was the most stressful part for me.  The medicine doesn't scare me because we have been finding out information on it for about a year.  But what am I going to do with my "kids"?  Thank God for a supportive work family.

I spoke with my principal on Thursday.  She was truly wonderful.  I found a sub who is able to come in for the Mondays between now and Christmas.  My kids will work hard for her and I know she will do a great job.  I  am blessed beyond belief with my students.  They are one of the best behaved groups of kids I've ever taught.  My wonderful coworkers have also been just amazing.  Despite being on steroids and not feeling like myself, I've been humbled by their kind words, thoughts, and offers.

Segueing, this round of Dexamethasone/Decadron is much different from what I remember.  I am much more in charge of my emotions and haven't had major mood swings.  However, I am in a lot more pain than I remember being in before.  My bones, teeth, and stomach hurt.  I've been hungry, but certain foods turn my stomach and don't taste normal.  I've woken up about 3:45, 4:30 the past few mornings just wide awake.  I've been trying to listen to my body and do what it says to make life easier for these 4 days.  Tomorrow is my first day without steroids.  Coming off of them will be very difficult--like going 100 miles an hour then hitting a sudden stop.  Again, I'm very thankful for my wonderful husband, who I have warned and my father has pitied for this round of steroids.  Even when we forget, God is looking out for us.